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The Carrot is hiring new staff writers


Apr 23, 2006
Sample article from The Carrot:

WCA Outlaws G Perms, World Records Smashed

(SYDNEY) - IN an unprecedented move by WCA officials Saturday, the execution of several PLL algorithms were outlawed effective immediately. Citing difficulty in execution, Ron van Bruchem banned all G, F and N permutations. Consequently, all solve attempts finishing with one of these permutations are now automatically considered solved.

Feliks Zemdegs of Australia promptly set new world records in the 3x3 speedsolve event with a 3.55 second single and 5.79 second average in the first round of the Sydney Open on Saturday morning. "Two of my solves ended in G perms, and another one was an N perm," said the record holder, whose records are now even more unapproachable by mere mortals. "It's like getting free PLL skips!"

Andrew Nelson of the United States, co-founder of "Who Does the F-perm?", the campaign to outlaw the F perm started in 2008, is thrilled that his movement has gained international acceptance and legitimacy. "For the past three years, I've only known 20 PLLs," said Nelson, who refuses to accept the existence of the F perm. "Now I can forget even more of them." He did note the irony that Michael Bennett, the other co-founder of "Who Does the F-perm?", is one of the few people who cannot realize the full advantage of this new regulation. Bennett uses the Roux method, which does not deal with PLL at all unless certain steps happen to be skipped. Bennett could not be reached for comment, and there is speculation that he is on permanent vacation in his homeland, the landlocked island of Smerbia.

Not all cubers are as enthusiastic about the ban. American cuber Daniel Hayes is ignorant of PLL names. He deals with the new regulation by assuming all his PLLs are G perms and stops solving. "I've set a new personal best, but my DNF rate has skyrocketed," he said.

WCA Board member Tyson Mao seems hesitant about the new change and subsequent loophole allowing the new world records. "I don't want to formally recognize these new times as world records until after all the kinks have been ironed out. This is the first time we're allowing unsolved cubes as a valid solved state." But as news of Zemdegs's record spread, Mao dreads dealing with the fallout that would occur if the recognition were rescinded. "Clearly, we didn't think this through," he said.​

*Note: not actually starting a paper or hiring writers. Unless someone else wants to. But what kind of fun Onion-esque articles can we come up with?