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Jokes

Ravi

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I made these up, so they might not qualify for the "good" criterion...

A man was hiking in the woods when he suddenly saw a gigantic tree with a 50-foot long leaf hanging from a three-inch stem. Needless to say, the leaf was too big for the stem. In fact, it fell from the tree almost the instant he saw it. He wanted to keep the leaf, but he decided it would be best to give it to a museum. He cut off the stem and kept it to remember the leaf with. The next day, the local newspaper printed a story about the leaf. He was quoted as saying, "That's one small stem for a man, one giant leaf for mankind."

M.C. Hammer has a terrible fear of fleas, presumably because he thinks they will "touch this." In other words, flea = MC scared.
 

hait2

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May 1, 2007
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The only jokes I know are really well-known already (which is why I know them :p)
but I'll post (one of) them anyway

~
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" "
 

apoplectic

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what do you call a vampire from harlem? Crackula

yo mama so nasty that when she was having phone sex she gave yo papy a ear infection!

whats red white and goes fifty miles an hour? a baby in a blender!

thats all i got right now
 

mahajarama

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Aug 4, 2007
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Some Jokes for everyone (hope their not too nerdy)

1. Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe

2. Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

3. The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".

4. A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."

5. Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
 

KoolCube

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Aug 30, 2007
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These aren't really jokes, they're sorta riddles.....:)

RIDDLES
you're locked in a concrete room with no wondows and no doors, all you have is a mirror and a table....how do you escape :eek: ?

you're locked in a concrete room with no windows and no doors, all you have is a calender and a bed....how do you eat and drink?

ANSWERS
you look into the mirror and you see what you saw, you take the saw and cut the table in half, two halves make a whole, you climb through the "whole" (hole)....and you're FREE :D

you eat by getting dates from the calender, and you drink by getting springs from the bed
 

genwin

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Apr 17, 2008
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why is this dead??

Q: Why did the man freeze his money?

A: He wanted cold, hard cash!

(lame) yeah i know... :p
 

AvGalen

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NOOOOOO, I just know I am going to get hooked on this thread.

Well, it is pretty hard to translate jokes, but I guess this is an interesting (not funny) riddle to start with (my father told me this > 25 years ago). 1 hint, it will test your memory (you are not allowed to read it back, just read every line carefully):

Imagine you are a busdriver:
At the start of your shift there are 3 women and 2 kids in the bus.
At the first stop you pick up 3 men and 1 woman and 1 woman leaves with her kid.
At the second stop the same happens (3 men and 1 woman in, 1 woman and 1 kid out)
At the third stop a school class enters the bus: 15 kids in, 8 boys and 7 girls. Also, a mother gets in with a girl wearing a red jacket. Nobody gets out
At the fourth stop the same happens as on the first stop
At the fifth stop all the men get out, but the same amount of women and children enter.
Question1 (somewhat hard): How many kids are now in the bus? (tough question)
Question2 (easy): What color socks does the busdriver wear?
 

brunson

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Two friends are hiking in the wilderness when one of them clutches his chest and falls to the ground. The other friend whips out his cell phone and dials 911. He tells the operator, "My friend is dead, what should I do?" The operator tries to reassure the man saying, "Let's remain calm, first we need to make sure your friend is actually dead." For a few seconds the operator hears only silence, then a gunshot, then the hiker comes back on the line and says, "Okay, now what?"
 

shelley

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Apr 23, 2006
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Arnaud:

Is the bus driver wearing (highlight for possible spoiler)the same color socks I am wearing, because the first line instructs me to imagine that I am the bus driver?
 

shelley

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The first question wasn't too bad, but I think it would be harder if someone were reading the problem to me. When I read it for myself I can go at my own pace, and seeing the numbers helps me a lot.

===

Heisenberg and Schroedinger were riding together in a car when they run over a cat.

Schroedinger asks, "Is it dead?"

Heisenberg replies, "I can't be certain."

Later a cop sees their reckless driving and pulls them over. He asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew exactly where I was."

===

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, "You man the guns. I'll drive."
 

brunson

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Nice, Shelley, Physics humor always rules. You reminded me of this one:

Two ions are walking down the street, suddenly one says, "Oh, no. I just lost an electron." His friend asks, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

:)
 

TomZ

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Dec 30, 2007
Messages
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You have two fuses, each having a burn time of exactly one hour. You need to have one piece of fuse which will burn for half an hour. You have to obtain this piece of fuse, using nothing but the two fuses (and a lighter). Cutting the fuse in half doesn't work, as they have slight imperfections.

How do you acomplish this?
 
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